


all i've ever learned from love

by BadWolfGirl01



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Everything Hurts, F/M, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry, Inspired by Music, Jyn Erso-centric, Pain, Tears, i'm legit crying rn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-24
Updated: 2017-05-24
Packaged: 2018-11-04 13:09:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10991577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BadWolfGirl01/pseuds/BadWolfGirl01
Summary: Jyn learns many lessons about love over her short lifetime.





	all i've ever learned from love

_ Maybe there’s a God above _

_ But all I’ve ever learned from love _

_ Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you _

_ And it’s not a cry that you hear at night _

_ It’s not somebody who’s seen the light _

_ It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah _

_ ~ “Hallelujah”, Leonard Cohen _

Mama loves her. Jyn knows this, as deeply as she knows anything. Mama and Papa love her. They will never leave her. They love her. And Papa says she is Stardust, that she has stardust in her bones and in her blood and burning in her eyes, and she thinks Papa has stardust in his eyes too, because they look exactly like hers. He smiles, and tells her stories, about stars and about kyber crystals, and the stardust in his eyes sparkles.

She does not doubt that he loves her. And she  _ knows _ she loves him.

But then the man in white comes, and takes Papa away, and Mama runs out to him instead of staying with Jyn like they practiced; then the blasters fire, and Mama is dead. Jyn runs as fast as she can, for the bunker inside the cave, and as she hides she can’t help but wonder.

Did Mama not love her?

Or did love just not matter in the end, anyway?

~

By the time Jyn’s sixteen, she’s seen and caused more death than most people will encounter in a lifetime. She kills not out of a particular  _ desire _ to cause death, but rather for love: of the cause, of the man who’s been more of a father to her than Galen Erso ever was. She’s made herself into the best soldier in the Partisans, made herself valuable to the cause, because Saw may love her but Mama proved that love isn’t important.

Love doesn’t win battles or overthrow Empires, after all.

But she’s useful, and she’s like a daughter to Saw, and she’s been hurt before but he’s never left her behind like all the others. He loves her like she’s his own child, and he doesn’t have anyone else to love like that, like how Mama had Papa too, and love may be less significant than Papa always said but Saw won’t leave her behind. She’s his best soldier, his right hand, and he loves her.

Surely, that’s enough?

They’re on a mission together, trying to escape; the bombs ( _ Jyn’s _ bombs, ones she built herself) have just exploded, and in the screams and chaos she and Saw are separated from the rest of the team. She runs through the smoke, choking and coughing, and pulls her scarf up over her face as a filter.

Just up ahead, a shape looms out of the haze; it’s a bunker, the door open, and Saw stands in front of it. “Here,” he says, and coughs. “You’ll be safe in here. I need to find out where the rest of the team is. The sun is setting. I’ll send someone for you in the morning. Take these.”

She takes the blaster he offers, tucks it in her jacket, and slides the knife in her belt, and nods.

The door closes.

( _ trust in the force _ , mama says, and she does; and it’s saw who finds her, not the soldiers)

(she grips the kyber crystal tightly and waits, and prays)

She waits three days.

The bunker is well-stocked, and she has plenty of water, and she remembers the chaos outside and knows it might take Saw some time to get her. He said he’d send someone for her, and he  _ will _ , she trusts him, he loves her unlike he loves anyone else, he can’t leave her behind. He  _ can’t _ .

On the morning of the third day, she starts to wonder. To doubt.

By evening, she knows that no one’s coming.

And as she slips outside at dusk, makes her way to the spaceport, she realizes that it doesn’t  _ matter _ how much Saw loves her. He will always love the cause more. The cause is more important than the people around him.

(lesson one: just because someone loves you doesn’t mean they won’t leave you)

(lesson two: it’s better to leave them first, before they can hurt you)

(lesson three: love does not make you important)

(lesson four: when people leave, they  _ never come back _ )

She manages to secure a ride on a ship. During the flight through hyperspace, she makes a vow, never to forget the lessons Lyra and Saw taught her.

She will never be hurt like this again.

~

She doesn’t cry when she realizes she could imagine herself loving this boy. She doesn’t feel anything at all.

She steals a kiss under the stars, and then she climbs inside her small ship and flies far, far away, and thinks about how easy it could’ve been, and that’s when she learns the fifth lesson.

Love is a weakness. It leaves you cold and broken and alone, a silent and shattering ache that never goes away.

Jyn cannot afford a weakness.

She will not love anyone else.

(mama loved, and died. papa loved, and was taken by the empire. she loved, and was left all alone.)

(she doesn’t realize it until later, but she makes another choice that night: she decides never to fight for the cause that killed mama, that made saw leave her behind)

(lesson six: it’s easier to reject than to be rejected)

~

She steals Andor’s blaster and spouts off a line about trust going both ways, a line that he accepts. Inside, she’s laughing. She’s not foolish enough to trust this Captain--she knows what happens to people devoted to a cause. As soon as she’s served her purpose in furthering his precious Rebellion, she’ll be dropped somewhere and forgotten about, and in a month she’ll just be another face without a name, another person who used to be able to benefit the Alliance.

(she doesn’t want to see saw again, wishes she could provoke andor into shooting her or abandoning her or  _ something _ )

(he’s infuriatingly calm)

When she saves the child, in the middle of a Partisan attack, he doesn’t  _ say _ anything--but she sees the question in his eyes. Why would  _ she _ of all people risk her life for a child she doesn’t even know?

(he’s read the files on her history, she’s sure, he’s that kind of man, but he could never really  _ know _ )

She decides that if he doesn’t  _ ask _ , she doesn’t have to answer, and then there’s no time to, anyway; an armored vehicle with kyber crystals inside drives past, escorted by stormtroopers, and then a grenade goes off, and everything is a blur of adrenaline and fury.

And then there’s Saw.

Years of suppressed emotions swarm her all at once, and she finds, quite suddenly, that his abandonment of her hurts just as badly seven years later as it did the day she first realized he was gone.

(lesson seven: love leaves you broken inside, and it never ever stops hurting)

She shouts and rages at him, because it’s better than crying, because she’s always been good at turning every emotion into anger--anger’s easy, it’s safe, it keeps everyone  _ away _ \--and she’s so, so  _ angry _ but it doesn’t matter because  _ she can’t stop loving him _ .

Saw shows her the message, Papa’s message, and she hears him speak of loving her, of missing her, and it’s all she can do not to scream.

(papa, papa, papa, save me)

The horizon goes away, and Saw won’t  _ leave _ , and she cannot  _ breathe _ \--

(mama loved, and died. papa loved, and the empire took him. she loved, and she was left all alone. saw loved, he had a cause and her, he  _ loved _ , and he died, and she’s  _ alone _ )

(no one could ever love her, not now, she’s too angry and wild and cold and broken)

(love  _ breaks _ )

~

“The Force moves darkly near a creature that’s about to kill,” Chirrut says, and she can’t accept it.

But-- 

( _ trust in the force, jyn _ , and the sharp-cold bite of a kyber crystal in her palm)

(mama died, saw died, papa--)

She runs, scrambles over rock and mud, drags herself inch by inch up onto the platform, but she’s  _ slow _ , too slow, and then there are ships--she knows the shape of x-wings--and bombs and flames everywhere, burning, everything burning.

“Papa!” she screams, and watches him fall, and she flings herself to his side, and the rain pours down, cold and heavy, and she’s drowning--

“I’ve so much to tell you,” and he’s gone, and he can’t be gone, she  _ needs _ him, he can’t just  _ leave _ , he isn’t like Mama and Saw, he wouldn’t just leave her--

(papa papa papa come  _ back _ )

(and she’s babbling, she doesn’t know what, and)

(he  _ left _ )

Jyn shatters.

(and all the lessons in the world cannot save her)

(it’s so very dark)

(and the rain sinks into her bones and freezes, turns her blood to ice, all the broken pieces of herself tied together with the coldness of silent agony)

She lets Cassian (liar, liar, liar) pull her away, and she lets the rage envelop her just like with Saw, and she’s oh-so-careful not to burn too hot in case she melts the ice.

She has to stay frozen.

There’s a promise she needs to keep.

(all she is is very, very cold and very, very broken, and she just needs to last a little longer)

(mama loved, and died. saw loved, and chose death. papa loved, and the alliance  _ killed _ him)

(and the coldness sinks a little deeper)

~

Scarif  _ burns _ .

They think she wants to fight. They don’t  _ understand _ . Not even Chirrut, for all his pretty proverbs about the Force, understands.

She’s not doing this for the  _ Alliance _ .

She’s doing it because she  _ promised _ .

(she runs across the beach, sand shifting beneath her boots and the sun burning down on her, and she knows they are all going to die, and for some reason that hurts)

(it shouldn’t hurt)

(she doesn’t  _ care _ about any of them)

But then Bodhi stops responding, and Chirrut and Baze throw the master switch and go dark, and it takes all she has to keep moving.

(the ice is melting away, and she’s leaving shards of herself behind, scattered about)

She gives Kay her blaster, and then his voice whines and crackles and groans as he locks the vault door, and then he’s gone--

(bodhi left and chirrut left and baze left and kay left)

And for some reason Cassian is still here, still with her ( _ are you with me? all the way _ ), and she leaps to the tower and starts to climb, and he’s right behind her--

But Krennic comes, and then a roar of blasterfire fading to static in her ears, and then Cassian’s hand  _ slips _ \--

(no no no no don’t leave me don’t leave me alone)

and he

f 

   a 

         l 

              l 

                    s 

(and everything is just meaningless white noise, time jumping forward in a series of disconnected scenes, seconds flashing vivid-sharp into her mind and then blackness again, and something inside is screaming, and all she can think is  _ climb _ )

She climbs and climbs and it  _ burns _ and the ice is melting away and she can’t think, she can’t--

and she’s at the top now, but Krennic is there, and--

(she’s  _ alone _ )

(he left)

(all the way, and welcome home, and he  _ left her _ )

(and  _ you will die with the rebellion _ )

A blaster fires, and Krennic falls, and--

(cassian cassian how is this possible)

(and then they’re in the turbolift and falling, falling, forever, endlessly falling)

(he leans on her and she leans on him and they stumble out, onto the beach, and she sees the shape in the sky and she knows it’s over, they’re over, it’s  _ ending _ )

(and  _ i’m glad you came _ , a whisper as she falls to the sand, so hot, the ice burned all away now, and green light shatters the sky)

( _ your father would’ve been proud of you, jyn _ , cassian murmurs, so soft she hardly hears, and she flings her arms around him, hides her face from the light)

(and she is so very, very  _ glad _ that they are about to die, because for one moment--just one beautiful, brilliant, perfect moment--she can love, bright and burning and glorious, she can love, because nothing can hurt her when she’s dead)

And then the light wraps around her, and at long last, it  _ ends. _


End file.
